i am back
because paper and pen are fleeting desires, but my thoughts are a never ending yearning to be imprinted. plus i have a smartphone and it makes sense.fundamentally
these are the ingredients that make up my life right nowa stable job in a department i have always wanted to be in doing something i absolutely love and cannot imagine myself doing anything else secured for a minimum 3 years
a gorgeous, well-mannered, pseudo-perfect boyfriend who has hurt me and who i feel like i could never forgive as much as i can forget
attractive, successful friends whom i love and love me, who seem further than 2 blocks away
a beautiful family who are too far away for me to reach for comfort, for reassurance
a nice flat that might be a tad bit too expensive
a healthy-ish bank account, supplemented by a constant paranoia to spend on anything
there is something innately peculiar about that mix, because on the outside everything seems almost perfect yet there is something there that's making me cry tonight.
sinking
i have this odd feeling at the pit of my stomach saying: yeah you feel that nis? that's the feeling knowing this far ahead that you both might not last these 4/6 weeks.i want to be a hands off, caring girlfriend, but in spite of him saying he loves me, of everything he's done that suggests otherwise, i am still a wrapped up ball of paranoia. i've never been so scared of losing someone, at the same time i've never been so indifferent either. i know it will break my heart into a million pieces if anything happens to us while he's there, at the same time, i'm also.. already bracing myself for it. something feels different from the last time it's left, the longing is unrequited, and i can't really blame him, and i guess i can't blame me either. i'm just full blown with an inferiority complex at the moment: book prize winner, first class honours, goldman sachs.. fucking hell, can anything else make me feel more insecure? oh right, the fact that he's in NY right now.
i hate myself this way, i stink of distrust and jealousy, and what i've always prided myself in was always to trust someone i've let in unconditionally. this isn't a healthy relationship for me, because for once i've turned into a reacher instead of an equaler. it sounds selfish and vain and egoistic, but for once i feel like i don't have a control over what happens in this relationship and it makes me feel really small.
summer
rain, and lots of itbooks ordered on Amazon
rosetta stone: german level 1-3, with more potentially to come
fresh sketchbook journal
some hesitant job applications
a boyfriend fading in and out
some friends, scattered around london
crunching loneliness
so i'm ready. it wouldn't be the way i choose to celebrate my graduation summer, but sometimes these things need to happen for a new beginning.
why he chooses to lie about his past is beyond me, because the more i find out about it the more i'm worried about how it will be play in our future. his past, just like i am, are girls with feelings and considerations: our shared memories shouldn't be in vain. just like when he said he'd forgotten his number of girlfriends, i can't help but wonder - what would make me to him any different?
men seem to always be typical no matter how much they protest, and that seems a little tragic. but hand on heart, i hope i'll be proven very, very wrong. i like him, and i guess i can afford to give some benefit of the doubt before determining whether this ship sinks or not.
